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Saddam Hussein
. ]] Saddam Hussein is dead!!! Eat it Dixie Chicks!! Saddam Hussein used to be the Dictator of Iraq until the Greatest President Ever decided to liberate the people of Iraq. American soldiers found him in a hole where he tried to live off humus and goat hair after American troops had conquered the city of Baghdad in just a few days. Once he was shaved and checked for lice and worms, he was sent off to court, where impartial American judges objectively assessed how much pain to inflict upon him before they finally killed him. His charges included the harboring of known Bear-fugitives, the possession of a plethora of WMDs and suitcase nukes, enslaving an entire country under a horrendous tyrannical reign, and beastiality. He was also well known for gassing people at random. Some of his "gas rooms" are on display at Baghdad's Saddam Museum where you can see where he would have people gassed right in front of him. Saddam was a known ally and spirtual advisor of Osama bin Laden, Ice 9, and Colbear, and helped provide supplies and financing for the 9/11 attacks, if he didn't actually just carry off the attacks himself. In fact, there is really very little difference between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Many Americans often call one by the other's name. Early life Saddam was born in 1903 in the small shit hole of Tikrit. He was named Saddam, an obvious Islamic translation of the word for Satan. At the age of 16, he gained a proficiency with a lightsaber and was inducted into the Sith ranks. His parents celebrated the occasion by giving him his first wife, Jezebel, a lovely she-goat. As dictator-in-chief Saddam consequently founded the Baath Party (someone else came up with the shower party) and the Iraqi terror state. Upon hearing about the Baath parties that were going on, Osama decided he wanted to join in the fun and returned to Iraq. Saddam and Osama famously disliked each other, but bonded together anyway. You know the old saying: "The enemy of my enemy, the U.S. government agency that provided me with weapons and funding, is my friend." Osama eventually fled to Iran, where he became a fixture at CIA dinner parties, and left Saddam in charge of Iraq. The U.S. absolutely did not under any circumstances give financial and political support to Saddam. Donald Rumsfeld did; that's a huge difference. Also, we did not give him WMDs. If we did, then where are they, hmmm? Check, and mate. As recipient of ass-kicking, American-style In 1990, Saddam invaded Kuwait, but an Alliance of good nations, led by the USA, kicked his ass and threw him back to Iraq, where he suffered from numerous rebellions. The quest to destroy Saddam was put on hold for awhile after George H. W. Bush decided that his first term had been so good that he didn't need to serve another. Fortunately, his pal Dick Cheney had a plan. Using a sample of H.W.'s DNA (how it was extracted is a matter of national security) he created the Iraqi people's greatest champion: The Greatest President Ever. The younger Bush cared so for the freedom and security of the Iraqi people that he started a war with their country, liberating close to a million of them into Heaven along the way, and installed the most democratic occupying force the world had ever seen. For let us not forget that it was the president's plan all along to free the Iraqi people (sure, there might have harsh words spoke along the way about WMDs and ties to al-Qaeda, but who remembers?) Once toppled from power, Saddam fled to the outskirts of the country, although he was careful to stay within cell phone range so he could still send text-messages to al-Qaeda and the Democratic Party (Saddam and Nancy Pelosi: BFF!) Later, American troops found him in a shit hole with a pile of Snickers bars, resembling a slightly less dissheveled Nick Nolte. After receiving a fair trial in which many of his lawyers either quit or were murdered (thus making us all winners), Saddam Hussein was hanged in a solemn and dignified good ol' fashioned Lynching Party. Saddam Hussein Factoids * Although Saddam's mustache could beat up Hitler's in a fight, Geraldo's mustache beats all. * Saddam masterminded 9/11, although President Bush was forced to say he had nothing to do with it in order to throw the Democrats off the trail. * He also started The Gulf War, but blamed it on the Ayatollah. * The Dixie Chicks support Saddam Hussein and are currently touring Iraq to show their solidarity with the deposed Iraqi dictator. * Saddam was the next Adolf Hitler and we were absolutely right to take him out of power. Anyone who says otherwise is a Nazi terrorist. * Saddam had completely heterosexual relationships with Satan and Tom Cruise. * He also like to take Baaths with the two men above. * His WMDs are so well hidden it is unlikely that they will ever be found unless we invade Syria, and go to Ihateamerica City. They're on Jihad street, which is at the end of Durka-Durka avenue. You have to take a left, and the WMD's are in a big builing named "No WMD's or Radioactive/Biological Weapons here". * He and Rumsfeld used to party at Abu Ghraib * His rape rooms were decorated by Ted Bundy, Leonard Lake and Charles Ng * New York Post headline: Good Noose! * Stephen's preferred New York Post headline: Oh Snap! * Wore Underwear, unlike Britney Spears. * Saddam killed Nelson Mandela. In fact, he killed all the Mandelas. * Before he was a dictator, he used to be a porn star. See Also *Stephen Colbert Presents: The Gallowtastic Executacular: Hangin' with Mr. Hussein *The Execution of Saddam Hussein External Tubes *Saddam Hussein's buddy list *Letter from Iraq *More evidence that Saddam Hussein was a pussy! ...And that he didnt have any WMDs